This season of The Bachelorette has everyone traveling around the world as they woo Ali, the favorite from last season's The Bachelor. Going on the show seems embarrassingly mortifying, especially the way these people are edited, but I think I could swallow any remaining pride to enjoy the perk of a free around-the-world trip first class style. So when the commercial asking viewers if they want to be the next object of weirdo attention comes on, it's quite tempting. Because they've gotta top this season next time around and my imagination is stumped by what could be better than Ali's journey.
What isn't tempting are the men trying to win her heart this season. It appears the men fall into one of three categories (though some straddle a couple): crazy, quiet, and hot. In that order. I don't really pay attention to what the hot ones are saying because I'm too busy staring in awe (I'm talking to you, Jesse) and I'm not sure what's going on with the quiet ones - perhaps their crazy will come out as the season progresses.
In the meantime, viewers have both the Weatherman (as he's affectionately called by his fellow contestants, likely because no one can remember his name and because he will not achieve a higher lot in life) and Kasey (who has a weird, somewhat annoying voice that sounds like he was taught to speak by a deaf person). These men represent both the most paranoid and most delusional people of the season.
The June 14th episode finds the contestants in their first around-the-world destination: NYC. The trip kicks off with Kasey scoring a coveted one-on-one date with Ali, during which they ride a helicopter around Manhattan, drink champagne in what looks like Battery Park, and have dinner at the Natural History Museum. An ideal date until Kasey opens his mouth. If he's not constantly repeating how he's there to "guard and protect" her heart, he's bursting out into an improvised song about their helicopter ride and what he saw when he looked left and saw her.
Thankfully, Ali's reaction mirrored ours, dear viewers: she looked away, tried not to smirk, and eventually told him that he was going overboard and coming across insincerely. She softened the blow by telling him what a great guy he seemed to be, but that she wanted him to be real and wasn't seeing his genuine side with all his lines, songs, and proclamations. But Krazy Kasey would not be deterred and at some point burst into a second song about how he felt when he first saw her. I cannot and will not remember the lyrics, but I can pretty much guarantee he threw something in there about her heart. And...you guessed right: guarding and protecting it. He also invited her to jump into his heart "and stay awhile." Instead, Ali did not invite him to accept the rose on display at the museum (and a guaranteed ticket to continue on), but she did invite him to stay on anyway so she could possibly see the real Kasey (um, you have, sweetheart).
Perhaps it was the non-stop traveling, or more likely her date with Kasey, but Ali isn't feeling hot on the next excursion: the group date with Jesse, Roberto, Craig, Kirk, Weatherman, Frank, and Ty. Here, the men are Broadway bound, forced to sport spandex shorts and display their dancing and singing skills at The Lion King musical. There's not much to note here because it wasn't that exciting: the best guy gets one-on-one time with Ali for further rehearsals and an appearance in that night's show. Despite Jesse doing the best on both counts, Roberto wins because he looks Ali in the eye when singing. And because he's hot and Ali has wanted him from day one. In her defense, the musical's director actually decided the winner, but in Roberto's defense, this is Broadway, so the director is probably gay and probably picked Roberto for the same reasons.
As the winner, Roberto basically gets to grind on Ali the whole time as the losers look on, bemoan their feelings of inadequacy, and wonder what they did wrong. And that summarizes the Weatherman. When he isn't strategically standing next to Ali, he's paranoid that he's not getting enough time with Ali and that she can't fall in love with him if he can't show her that he's a catch. Or he's talking about how no one else is right for Ali. Or admiring everyone else's moves because he "should've thought of that." Perhaps the Weatherman needs to consider that his game would best be played for another team and should make a move out of the closet.
Other moves:
- Since Ali isn't feeling well, she declines to offer a rose to anyone at the after party because she wasn't able to concentrate or give anyone adequate time. Just before her announcement, Kirk offered to walk her to her room and tuck her in - she accepts and they walk out together as everyone looks on in disbelief. If I were there, I would've clapped based on the modern day adage: don't hate the player, hate the game.
- The second one-on-one date is awarded to Chris L., whose birthday is the same day. However, Ali isn't feeling well and cancels so she can stay in bed. Well, Chris must be a doctor because he decides to conduct a house call by bringing flowers, soup, and conversation to her suite. As they bond and appreciate the fact that their date is more real-life than fancy, Ali decides she is well enough to take him to a birthday dinner. While they dined at a jazz club, I don't recall any jazz actually being played. Instead, they talk some more, Chris is allowed to call his dad for birthday wishes, Ali gives him the coveted "please stay on longer" rose, and they receive a rooftop serenade by Ali's favorite singer, Joshua Radin. He's my favorite, too, giving me another reason to think about signing up for the show.
- Krazy Kasey decides to further illustrate his sincerity and genuine heart by getting a tattoo: a heart guarded by a shield that has 11 bolts, each representing the remaining bachelors. He wants Ali to be the first to see it, so when the other bachelors see the bandage on his wrist, he tells them he burned himself on the stove and spent the day in the ER. "Rated R" wrestler Justin doesn't buy it and is tired of being the token liar of the group, so he calls Kasey out at the rose ceremony. Kasey's initial response is deflection and non-stop staring, but Justin keeps pushing until Kasey unveils his permanent homage to Ali and their hearts. Of course, he thinks they all approve and love it, as Ali surely will, and as he prepares to tell Ali about it during a one-on-one chat, Frank interrupts them so he can get some alone time.
- Frank feels like Ali is his girlfriend based on the single one-on-one date they had two or three episodes ago. He scored the first single date, so he's relying on fumes to keep their flame going. But as Ali keeps reassuring him, he is not forgotten and her feelings haven't changed. They should because this guy seems a bit off, like his crazy is just under the surface, not to mention the fact that he's an aspiring screenwriter. Based on that, I'd guess his intentions are just as genuine as Justin's, who everyone thinks is on the show to further his wrestling career. Plus, Frank basically screwed himself by interrupting Kasey and Ali at the rose ceremony because now Ali doesn't know about the tattoo nor the charming Krazy that is Kasey.
- And as a result, Jesse doesn't get a rose because Ali doesn't think they have a future. Neither does the Weatherman. He doesn't get an explanation, but it's probably because Ali thinks he's gay, too. The remaining bachelors now include:
Chris L. - category: hot. He moved home when his mom got sick and is super close with his family. Seems like an overall nice guy.
Chris N. - category: quiet. Never says a damn word other than "yes" when Ali asks if he'll accept her rose.
Craig - category: quiet. Being a lawyer, he has a strong personality when he does talk, but the producers aren't giving him much air time.
Frank - category: crazy. He's attractive enough, but not enough to fall into the hot category. Plus, he's a bit insecure and spastic. The crazy will come. Just watch.
Justin - category: crazy. He looks like a d-bag and will soon be shown to be, according to press out there.
Kasey - category: if you don't know, you're in the same boat. I just can't wait until Ali figures it out.
Kirk - category: hot. He's a little too clean cut for my tastes, but he's got smooth, bold moves that the other guys should take notes on.
Roberto - category: hot. No explanation needed. Ali doesn't need one, I don't, so neither should you. Just look at him. And he has dimples.
Ty - category: quiet. Seems nice enough when he talks. Has big ears. Keeps playing guitar, which comes off as more cheesy than romantic. At least to girls like me.
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