...and they stink. Except for Carly's plan to take down Lulu and Dante. Hers is the only one based on sound logic and basic human emotion, thus getting the desired (however, predictable) results: break up the relationship of an early-20s couple by dangling a hot young chick (Brook Lynn) who can cook in front of the male party (Dante), thus making the female (Lulu) feel threatened, jealous, and insecure. Add strategically located living quarters for the temptress (across the hall) and plots that require Brook Lynn to show up at Dante's door wearing nothing but a towel (she got locked out trying to catch the cable guy, after all...).
Coupled with the fact that Lulu knows little to nothing about Dante, while Brooklyn grew up with him, knows everything about him, is close with his family, and can apparently make all his favorite childhood recipes from scratch. Since Lulu is the stubborn, "I know everything and stand my ground even when I'm wrong" type, she isn't reacting well to Dante's friendly neighbor. She's already insecure about the fact that Dante admires his mom for birthing him at 17 and raising him successfully, while Lulu herself got impregnated by a married guy at the same age and terminated the pregnancy. Plus, Dante and Lulu basically betrayed everyone she knows and loves when they "did right" by Michael and turned him in for Claudia's murder, making them the Port Charles pariahs. While young, new love is strong, it is also easily threatened by stress and outside influences/lust. Lulu may as well start peeing around Dante to mark her territory and make sure they make it for the long haul.
But this bizarre love triangle isn't the most disturbing, dear readers. You see, Dante's mother is Olivia. Olivia's boyfriend is Johnny. Johnny is Lulu's last boyfriend. What this means is that when Dante and Lulu consummated their love, Lulu indirectly slept with Dante's mother, Olivia slept with her son's girlfriend, and mother and son slept with each other. Johnny isn't the brightest star in the sky, but he's the only one coming out "clean" in this scenario.
Where his judgment lacks, is in his unwavering plot to take down Sonny. Rather than sticking with the more intelligent route of blocking Sonny's shipments, stealing his suppliers, and the like, Johnny is mulling a twisted plan that Sonny's daughter wants to put into motion. Much like Johnny, Kristina wants to get back at her dad for being a gangster who thinks he can do whatever he wants to whomever he pleases. She feels he is to blame for her abusive ex-boyfriend, so she wants daddy to pay for bad parenting by driving him insane. And how best to accomplish this? Pretend to date Johnny, of course!
As mentioned, Johnny isn't completely clueless, so he sees the stupidity in this and tries to convince Kristina that there are better ways to get daddy's attention. But Kristina will not be deterred and pops up at Johnny's apartment, runs into him around town, and reasons with him why a fake relationship is the best revenge they could hope for. What everyone else was hoping, is that Kristina's therapy would work and give her the sense and confidence she needs to move on from repeatedly being beaten to a pulp. But it seems that not only is therapy not working, it's also stripping Kristina of her memory and linear thought process.
Last time Kristina implemented one of her plans, she wanted to protect her abusive boyfriend because a) she loved him, and b) didn't want gangster daddy to kill him for beating her. Remember that this devotion and fear told her to tell everyone that someone else beat her, which sent Sonny into a vengeful rage that continued when the fake abuser was cleared and the real abuser revealed to be her boyfriend. Don't forget the endless tears that resulted alongside the high-pitched screeching that she didn't want anyone dead. Especially because of her. Ummm, if daddy wanted to kill her last, real boyfriend, then what does she think he's gonna do to the fake one that he already wants dead? Sonny's not exactly mourning the death of Claudia (his ex-wife and Johnny's sister), so any leniency or remorse that Kristina expects Sonny to display will be as real as the coffee he imports.
Elsewhere in Port Charles:
- Jason rubbed out Carter, the bald inmate that just couldn't leave Michael alone. His parting words? "Franco says hi" or something like that, paving the way for the return of James Franco's guest stunt. Many are saying he's degrading his career by going on a soap opera, but soap actors should get their due props. It's one thing to act in a movie, which has a production schedule of only a few months and one script. That's nothing compared to being on a soap, where there is a new script daily and one has to do retakes saying the same thing and playing the same person all the live long day. Every day. Franco (the actor, not the character) has implied that his appearance on GH is some sort of art/experiment in acting. If the experiment is to do the worst acting job possible, then he is yielding positive results. But hey - you don't know if you don't try.
- Tracy and Luke aren't legally married. In a Cassadine vs. Spencer move, Helena kidnapped Tracy and kept her in a dungeon. When Tracy didn't show up for their anniversary, Luke knew something was amiss and went looking for her. Only to end up in the dungeon with her. Apparently old dungeons can be musty and Tracy fell sick. In an attempt to keep her awake and in good health, Luke kept rambling on about her importance in his life and that when they are finally free, they should get hitched for real. She is understandably mad and now refuses to have anything to do with Luke. These two get the best, most entertaining dialogue on the show (with Diane the lawyer at a very close second), so hopefully this storyline will result in even more well-written banter between the two.
- Lucky and Nikolas are carrying on the legacy of the feud between their families. All because they both love that Elizabeth with the distracting tooth and overly glossy lipstick. I just don't see the attraction from any direction. Nikolas needs to lose a few pounds, Elizabeth needs to gain a few, and Lucky can't even grow a full beard. Just reveal that her baby is really Lucky's already so that he can finally be a father to a child that actually has his DNA and this boring, predictable love triangle can end.
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