To further the Bachelor brand, producers have invented the Bachelor Pad - a competition where contestants can win $250,000 and possibly find love in the process. Considering $$ is the number one reason for divorce, let's not hold our breathe on the love part. Especially considering that everyone seems to have already hooked up with everyone else. The real prize should be a lifetime supply of condoms and STD testing, but we'll just have to satisfy ourselves with the Bachelor-style drama - always negative and never itchy or sore.
The Premise
Every week, the house participates in a competition. Not only does the winner get a rose and become safe from elimination, but he/she also gets to choose who to go on a date with. On the date, the winner can give out a rose, giving that person immunity as well. When it's elimination time, the guys decide what girl gets the boot, the girls decide on the guy. Votes are cast via a photo ballot system - you want someone out, you put his/her picture into the ballot box. And using basic math, the woman and man with the most votes has to leave the house immediately.
The Players
The cast is made up of a combination of past losers...er, contestants from previous seasons of the Bachelor and Bachelorette. Since there have been more seasons of the Bachelor, the women outnumber the men - you can imagine the latter's disappointment, especially when everyone discovers the sleeping arrangements involve only one bedroom full of bunk beds.
Tenley, 26 (from Jake's season) - her husband cheated and she got dumped on national TV, so she's hoping Bachelor Pad is going to be the start of some good things. Um, does she not know how this show works? Probably not, because she's too busy screeching every time another contestant walks through the door. Considering she was JUST on The Bachelor, how does she even know all these people?
Jessie B., 25 (Ali) - he may have shaved head, but he's still tall and still hot.
Natalie, 28 (Jason) - she likes to talk and share her opinions with the camera, her fellow house buddies, and every hot guy. But she immediately locks eyes on Jessie B. and they spend the rest of the episode making out.
David, 28 (Jillian) - he has a big mouth. Literally. All you see is teeth, very white ones. Plus, he has small eyes, which only make his mouth look bigger.
Gwen, ?? (Aaron) - the producers went way back (season 2) to get her on the show. And you can tell it's been awhile because she either has botox or cheek implants. Those puppies are plump and don't move. Just like everyone else when they see her and try to figure out who she is, she's so old.
Jessie S., 25 (Jake) - she didn't win Jake's heart and helped Ali protect hers, so maybe she'll get lucky this time around. All the guys think she hot, which is really quite confusing considering her dead, emotionless eyes.
Jonathan, aka The Weatherman, 31 (Ali) - I thought this show was for straight people, but this is Hollywood, so maybe he's going the Tom Cruise route. Considering how much he's still whining and bitching about Craig M., one has to wonder. No one spends that much time talking about someone unless they're in love. Just sayin'.
Nikki, 30 (Jason) - the woman is all cheeks, no chin, but not in the plastic surgery way like Gwen. She just has unfortunate genetics. And an unfortunate past, because she's really hoping she doesn't have see Juan. So guess who walks in...
Juan, 37 (Jillian) - apparently, he and Nikki dated in the past. She claims he invited her to a previous cast reunion and proceeded to cheat on her. Miss "I always have an opinion" Natalie claims Juan always wanted to visit Chicago, so he slept with Nikki to get a free place to stay.
Wes, 33 (Jillian) - says he's single. Didn't he say that before?
Krisily, 30 (Charlie) - looks uncomfortably constipated. And even though she was one of the final two during her season, she hasn't gone the reunion route and doesn't know anyone. But she soon unveils her inner bitch by telling everyone how to run the show.
Elizabeth, 30 (Jake) - the tease is back and blonder, which only serves to make her look more crazy (and a lot more haggard and old). She obviously doesn't own a mirror because she has one bad dye job.
Jesse K., 28 (Jillian) - very easy on the eyes and there to play the game. Unfortunately, he hooked up with Elizabeth previous to the show and she is laying claim on the boy. She's not hot enough to be worth her drama. Jesse, on the other hand...
Kiptyn, 32 (Jillian) - nice and handsome. Immediately says Tenley is amazing. They've had some dinners, so they're probably gonna have some sex in the Bachelor Pad.
Ashley, 30 (Jake) - annoying, ugly chick. Why anyone would want to sit around and willingly listen to or watch her talk is beyond me.
Peyton, 27 (Andy) - she literally looks like Natalie.
Michelle, 26 (Jake) - still crazy? Looks it.
Gia, 26 (Jake) - the guys were waiting for her to walk in and the girls will soon want her to walk out because all male attention went her way the minute she arrived. She may have a boyfriend now, but the season is young!
Craig M., 24 (Ali) - with The Weatherman on the show, it's not really a shocker Craig is, too. Still looks like a d-bag.
The Competition
A big game of Twister on a big Twister board, which gets smaller as people get eliminated. Since everyone was hanging by the pool when the game was announced, everyone (naturally) plays in their bathing suits. Flexibility be damned - what's most impressive is the waxing. Those ladies have some talented aestheticians considering some of the positions the game requires. And their bikinis must have space-grade elastic because not an ass or boob was flashed. Needlesstosay, the guys didn't mind the view (or the asses) right in front of their eyes.
The girls have already decided they want to vote Craig out since he was so mean to The Weatherman, which Elizabeth decides to vocalize during the game. So he decides to try to win and finds himself against Jessie S. But Jessie tells him she will give him the game, if he gives her a rose on a date. With the strategy locked, Craig takes the win, getting the rose, immunity, and the chance to pick three women for a date.
The Date
Now that Craig has a newfound position of power that can save one of the women from elimination, he gets a little (very little) more popular. Poor guy just wants to be liked, so he confronts Elizabeth. Her mind is made up, but since she's a tease who wants to win, she turns on the charm to try to get on the date so she can get the rose and immunity. She works the whole "I don't like you so win me over" route. It works because Craig picks Elizabeth, Jessie S., and Gwen for the date.
The group starts out the day at the beach, swimming, laughing, and talking. Elizabeth still working her "win me over" tease, while telling Jessie S. and the camera that she's willing to make out with Craig for the rose. Her heart is with Jesse K., but she knows that he'd be OK if she does whatever it takes to win. Even if that means doing Craig? Yuck.
The beach is followed by a limo ride to the Greek Theater. Upon arrival, Craig has to immediately pick only one girl to continue on the date. Elizabeth flashes her best "win me over, but you're never really gonna get this" smile and Craig picks Jessie S., proving that he's a man of his word (and not of his penis - at least this week). As Gwen and Elizabeth are escorted back to the limo, Craig and Jessie start dancing to a private concert from The Calling.
Back At The House
When we aren't watching Jessie B. and Natalie make out, we're listening to them talk about how much they have in common. For example: he's not chasing love, but he can't wait to find it. She's not desperate for it, but she won't turn it away. OMG, they're perfect for each other!
Meanwhile, the other guys discuss how they don't want to enter into any relationship because it will hurt their chances - other girls won't ask "off limits" guys on dates. Perhaps Jesse K. should've considered that before he decided to hook up with the crazy known as Elizabeth. He tries to convince her of his strategy and expresses concern that while she's putting a claim on him, he wants to approach this as a game. Well, Elizabeth will have none of that and doesn't want to "have to whore myself out to win." Interesting, considering she was willing to shove her tongue down Craig's throat so he would shove a rose in her hand.
But clearly, CLEARLY her strategy is different from Jesse K.'s proposal because Elizabeth loves him, even if he doesn't love her back. Through tear-choked sobs come the not-so-veiled threats that the way he treats her will adversely affect his place in the game. And so she proceeds to cry on the shoulders of the other women, most of whom say they will vote Jesse out if he continues to hurt her. This sets off the crazy bulbs in Elizabeth's head and she decides to give Jesse a chance to save himself. All he has to do is apologize and tell everyone that he loves her so they all can see how sorry he really is. Oh, he's sorry. Sorry for hooking up with someone pathetic enough to use the game to manipulate those three little words out of him. Elizabeth doesn't need a boyfriend. She needs a therapist and some anti-psychotics.
The Elimination
The voting strategies are clearly cut along gender lines and stereotypes. The guys want to vote the drama out, while the ladies are making decisions based on emotion. Krisily is the only one who is thinking objectively and keep pushing to vote out the athletic guys, but no one is listening to her because she's loud, pushy, and bitchy.
Besides, when you're dealing with love and money, revenge is soon to follow. And so the buh-byes go to:
Juan - just liked everyone ousted on the Bachelor or Bachelorette, he's shocked and disappointed. And he blames Nikki. Blame yourself, dude. When you cheat or screw a girl and don't call, she's gonna tell her friends and they're gonna have her back. Next time you want to go to Chicago, call up that other d-bag Ed. Jillian finally left him and he needs a warm replacement.
Michelle - through delusionally tear-filled eyes, she "doesn't deserve to be treated this way" because it's all Tenley's fault. You see, the night Craig had to decide who to pick for the date, folks heard the sounds of making out in the bedroom. Tenley told everyone it was Michelle and Craig, much to everyone's shock and disgust. Michelle denied it with the requisite tears, yet was curiously shocked when she wasn't picked for the date. Later that night, it was Tenley who was crying after being cornered in the bathroom by a confrontational Michelle doing her crazy thing. There was yelling, bleeping, and while Tenley tried to get out, Michelle had her trapped. Just goes to show that if you block the door, don't be surprised when you're shown the door.
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